You can't go into this with the goal of gaining something. Go in with the goal of giving of yourself -- your time, attention and interest.

Do the reps on this and you will become a person people want to be around.

There was a period when I put space between myself and my main friends which resulted in loneliness, but I found this created a new space to connect with my siblings who were really interesting and had grown in ways I hadn't noticed.

Also, as Charlie Munger always said: "Invert! Invert! Invert!". Try doing the opposite of what you normally do. This requires of course paying attention to what you normally do (or don't do). Instead of waiting for others to reach out to you, for example, you might instead approach them.

Be okay with the fear of rejection. When we are kids we make friends so easily because we haven’t yet learned to protect ourselves from rejection.

An interesting exercise I had to do recently as part of a teambuilding exercise: offer a hug to 5 random strangers. I promise this will teach you something about yourself, and about others.

One mistake I made when I was in university was have a baseline assumption that I was unlikable or similarly flawed, hence I would always find reasons why someone disliked me and pushed them away as a defence mechanism. Regardless of if it's true it's a horribly unproductive mindset to have and I encourage you to fight it.

Also you won't make friends by reading books. It's tempting to overanalyse but human connection isn't something you learn by reading, you learn it by doing it. A bunch. Go travel and see the world.

One thing I've learned is that you yourself must make an effort first, even if you think it's unfair or if it's a lot of work, otherwise you'll be lonely forever.

Do you know if you have any sort of neurodivergence? That may be a part of it too. You say small talk tends to bore you yet that is how people start mingling at first. Maybe people are put off by you being put off on small talk.

This happens in some school environments (eg: long-term group projects), many work environments, team sports, certain vacation environments, etc.

Join a language class, or a sports club, or find employment somewhere, or go on a hostel vacation.

Make sure it's something you want to do for its own sake - enough so that you're not obsessing over befriending people.

I'd pop your head into random events in college, even if it's groups you don't feel align with you.

Try some courses that tend to require higher levels of interaction (like theatre)

I wouldn't join a fraternity, but that's a way some connect with others.

Turn yourself into a billboard, wearing T-shirts for things you like (bands, geeky things, etc). A "cool shirt" comment can start a conversation.

Start smoking. Ok, don't do that. But when I was in school it gave me a reason to congregate in the smoking section of campus. Terrible idea, but it did help me meet some people that almost 30 years later I still consider friends.

> What am I supposed to do? Be lonely and without any kind of company and human connection my entire life?

You won't be. I'm 48 now, and while I'm somewhat well adjusted, when I was your age, and even a bit older, I was such an introverted outcast. Still am, I just learned how to communicate better over time and more or less relate to people where they are, even if we are different. We all grow at different rates. That doesn't help your sense of loneliness today, but as you discover yourself and who your "tribe" is, those connections will form and grow, even if it seems impossible today.

  > To make friends, be one -- figure out what this means 
  > Be vulnerable -- the quickest way to connection I have found is to be ok with sharing your vulnerability first  
  > Be ok with rejection -- the danger of being vulnerable is getting rejected, be ok with that. Plenty of fish in the sea
  > Love yourself -- learn to give yourself grace
  > Practice gratitude
  > Serve/Volunteer/Teach -- you have unique valuable skills, figure out what they are and help others
  > Join clubs that excite you -- if none exist create one. (derek sivers: how to start a movement, consider being the second person)
  > Find your tribe online -- if none exist create one (see above)

As for the other. Most friends I’ve ever met went like this: meet at an event relating to a shared interest (first you have to go to things, next you have to talk to people): find a person I genuinely like and respect, talk to them, do something together (study, eat, coffee), listen more than you talk, try to be as good a friend to them as possible.

And I’m easy. Anyone wants to be my friend and I’ll be theirs. (So long as they treat me as a friend —don’t get me started about people who claim to be friends but who don’t treat me like a friend). This leads me to having some really weird friends. This also leads me to having friends who always treat me right.

I’m an introvert so I tend to prioritize small numbers of deep connections over many shallow friendships. Everyplace I go I find the person I like best and I try to get to know them. I talk to them, listen, hear what they’re about, engage with things they find interesting.

At 19 you’ve never had a friend? I honestly don’t believe it. I suspect you’re experiencing a depressive episode that is clouding your memory. Every child has had a friend. In grade school or middle school. Call your mother and ask her (I’m serious). I honestly think you’re not remembering clearly. It happens, I don’t know how to fix it, but looking for it might’ve a start. (If you haven’t I’d start looking for something you’re doing that drives people away. But I honestly don’t think you could be doing something without knowing it)

Join clubs for things you find interesting. Get a job doing things you find interesting. Do favors for people, ask favors of people. Look for friendships in unlikely places. I once became friends with a professor who I did computer work for. We just got along. He invited me over for dinner with him and his wife. I was on his Christmas list (he made mix cds for people, I still have two he made me)

Feel free to reach me at alexbwell12 at gmail dot com. Don’t have any crazy wisdom to pass down — just know how much it sucked for me.

If you live on campus (you definitely should if possible), make friends with the people who live in your dorm. Keep your door open at all times and be friendly to everyone around. People will just drop in. If your uni has college basketball or football, become a fan of the team and go to the games or watch em in the dorm.

In college you have tons of people around you with all sorts of different backgrounds. Rest assured, someone will have common interests with you and will find you fascinating. You don't need a lot of friends in this life, just a few good ones. Not everyone will like you, that's okay.

I'd also recommend talking to a professional, you might need to practice your social interactions. They have groups for this sorta thing if they deem you ready, but there's something more going on that has put you in this situation I'd wager.

Good luck!

The best suggestion I received was to imagine where I wanted to be long term, and to go on working on that. Somehow it took me out of the loop of trying to find an answer outside of my own self.

The other thing that helped was to stop trying to do the same as what others around are (saying they are) doing and be honest with myself and others about what I wanted.

One cool thing about university is that there are lots of clubs you can join. I'd suggest you go find a club you're interested in and participate every week. Talk to people when you get the opportunity. I've read it takes around five times attending a group before people start taking your attendance seriously enough start investing time in getting to know you. Give it a few months and I'll bet you have some acquaintances that could become friends.

I'll give you an extreme example: there was a Claude AI chatbot that was obsessed with the Golden Gate Bridge. This bot (a computer... a machine) had personality and was considered quirky, funny, endearing, and people loved it.

Given how long you've claimed you've been like this, it's very likely behavioral; you're giving off some characteristic that is telling most people you meet that you're not worth spending time with. It might be something as simple as avoiding eye contact, or strange body language, or not knowing how to hold even a rudimentary, surface-level conversation. These are all skills that can be learned, especially when you're still young.

I was in a similar situation when I was younger; grew up relatively isolated, barely had any friends, etc. I was socially deprived and abused as a child, and have a speech impediment that has made socializing difficult at times, but I learned how to listen and ask questions and get to know people, and I actually became quite the social butterfly for a good chunk of my 20s and 30s.

Now that I'm older, I'm back to being more isolated for personal reasons, but my life is different now and I don't care as much about it, nor am I as reliant on social connections as I used to be. Frankly, I never felt I fit in anywhere, nor have I ever truly liked anyone beyond whatever immediate social gratification I needed filling in the moment. Friendships and connections have always been fleeting, overhyped, and overblown to me, especially when I look back at my life so far and struggle to think of anyone I still care about.

Social connections are important when you're younger, but I've found the older you get, the less important they become, especially if you're smart about how you live your life.

Age 25 was also when I met my first girlfriend that lasted less than a year. Age 34 was when I met my second girlfriend, who became my wife, and how we are separated. Long story short, I'm pretty content with my life now. You can say I'm a bit of a late bloomer.

I thought I would be alone forever too, so much so that in college I aspired to be a Buddhist monk.

What helped me was learning how to be less socially awkward through work interactions. When I was 32 I solo backpacked Europe which made me seem like a more interesting person. Also I'm a bit of a people pleaser and I was helpful to some key people in my life and they are now my good friends. Also I saved and invested a good chunk of my income which kind of helps overall with confidence.

> People find me funny and when I do talk to people we have decent conversations (though small talk tends to bore me). However that doesn’t lead anywhere and doesn’t bring me any kind of comfort or fulfillment. I’ve attributed my lack of friends to something that places all the blame on me. Maybe I’m ugly, maybe I’m not funny enough, maybe I’m dumb.

I've felt all those things at some point. You don't have to be attractive or funny or a genius. I've always walked around with these recurring fantasies of being some secretly impressive superhero that saved the day publicly or had all these amazing talents and everyone would realize my worth. I realize now that everyone is too into their own lives to care, and even if they seem to admire something about you, they see it from the perspective of how it benefits themselves. This is absolutely fine, and human.

I guess what I'm saying is that you'll grow out of this phase. Right now I have all the friends I could ever want, ironically at a phase I'm my life I want to be more solitary.

If you do have a well-studied issue such as https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autism or https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder that interferes with socialization, you can find support groups and people who have been able to succeed even with those issues.

Some of these social problems (e.g, ones caused by missing childhood socialization experiences) are curable through practice, but others will require you to learn enough about human social behavior to mask until someone figures out a cure. It can be exhausting, (just like physical exercise can be exhausting) but it's a useful skill to have in order to do well in life.

Good luck.

You have two good things going for you here:

- you're able to hold a conversation with people, even if it might not be as deep a conversation as you'd like it to be.

- you're funny and can joke around with people.

It sounds like you might have some surface level relationships and want deeper connections with people, which is totally understandable. Small talk can be boring at first, but it often opens the possibility of deeper relationships. I'd recommend low-stakes/activity based social interactions and seeing where they take you.

Some ideas:

- If you're on your way to the dining hall to get a meal, ask your dorm mates if they wanna join

- Colleges have a movie night on weekends to see a movie for free, ask class mates, dorm mates to go.

- Does your campus have like a rec/game center (think pool, air hockey, games etc). Another thing to ask people to.

You might have to suffer through a lot of rejection before you get takers. After that you might have to suffer through small talk about the weather, where someone is from, what their major is, etc before you get to the deeper connections.

This is called catastrophizing. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/catastrophizing

If you take nothing else away from my comment, I would suggest finding out why you do that, and try to change that mental behavior. It might not directly help with loneliness, but it might make your life more satisfactory.

That said, while other folks on HN will have some advice you'll find useful, I'm not sure how applicable my experiences are to anyone else. My advice would be to examine the things you're interested in, especially if they're weird or "cringe", and find people who share those interests. Be shamelessly authentic.

If you don't have any such interests, I dunno.

Join an interest group on Meetup maybe.