>I hate to inform you, but this doesn’t work. I’m also thrilled to inform you that this doesn’t work. You can stop picking up a lot of boulders.
Really reminds me of Oliver Burkeman. Take https://www.oliverburkeman.com/never for a start:
I might be stuck with certain inner disturbances forever [...] It turns out my really big problem was thinking I might one day get rid of all my problems, when the truth is that there's no escaping the mucky, malodorous compost-heap of this reality. Which is OK, actually. Compost is the stuff that helps things grow.
During time of war and uncertainty, self help takes on the form of Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.
We are conditioned beings, we respond to the macro environment and dynamics.
Ferris is a self-help book author, and while I kinda get where he's driving at, it also feels like he's just doing the same thing again, but meta - overconsumption of self-help book is like a dog chasing its tail (or a snake giving himself a BJ?), here's a solution. I'm somewhat surprised it's just an affiliate link blogpost instead of a whole book.
In my self-help journey I came across meditation which ultimately led me to altruistic-based practices. So can't relate.
> A focus on improving the self usually first requires finding problems with the self
Oh I got in there the other way around. I wanted a few things out of life socially speaking but society was blocking me somehow. So I went out to investigate why that is and then studied it all and then solved my own problem. In order to do that, I had to improve myself as I wasn't connecting well with the world. I'm much happier with how I do that nowadays.
so, the self help didn't help and he passed the problem on his readers. Great!
I don't say 'self acceptance' because that's often described as a necessary precursor to changing whatever we find difficult to accept about ourselves.
And I have learnt a ton of lessons from self help books like the one I mentioned above, Arete, "how to make friends and influence people", Atomic Habits and others, without looking to fix any unhappiness, flaws of myself or whatnot. Was just curious what other, more experience people have learned about life that I can learn without having to wait 20-30+ years.
My waking call was, ironically, another management book "The Management Myth" by Matthew Steward (I think), which just showed me the ridiculousness of it all.
In Tibetan Buddhism, there is a lojong slogan: "Self-liberate even the antidote". It refers to exactly this -- the practices we use to get away from bad habits may themselves become bad habits. Rather than embarking on an infinitely recursive run of trying to stop self-improving, just don't be black-and-white about things.
One source (of many): https://medium.com/kaitlynschatch/lojong-practice-journal-se...
It’s the relationships, stupid
But is it relationships with just anybody? Or relationships with emotionally healthy, intelligent, adventurous people who share my interests?Maybe I have to climb Maslow’s pyramid to be compatible with those?
I'm happy that he has gone beyond the "book / author of the week" format and this blog post is most welcomed.
Relationships are crucial, especially ones that help elevate yourself or, at least, keep you on a stable level instead of dragging you down.
> It was never the pyramid.
> It was never the optimization.
> It was the people around the fire.
A critical footnote got lost in the shuffle. In his later writings, especially notes compiled in The Farther Reaches of Human Nature from 1971, Maslow added a sixth level above self-actualization:
Self-transcendence
It means going beyond the self—seeking connection with something greater, such as service to others, nature, art, or the divine.
Why is it important? Well, for one thing, as Tony Robbins put it at an event long ago: “‘I, I, I, me, me, me’ gets to be a really fucking boring song.” But it’s not just a boring song; it’s dangerous to your health. Self-help [can be] dangerous precisely because it easily becomes self-fixation.
In Africa there is the concept of Ubuntu "I am because we are". Identity and personhood arises within community, rather than being constructed indivudually.
I think we need to differentiate between self-help in the modern sense, and viewing the self as a continuous process of engaging in meaningful activities, within community, with purpose that helps cultivate virtue. i.e "Becoming"
When self-help is treated as only individual optimisation, without any ultimate end it risk becoming self-referential.
Philosopher Charles Taylor describes a similar shift with modernity that he calls "Disengaged reason" [0]. Where reason is disconnected from moral frameworks, that once helped orient us.
The deeper issue may be Self-help/Improvement that is often not contained within these larger frameworks of meaning, that answer:
To what ultimate end?
[0] https://www.academia.edu/26548899/Disciplinarity_and_Islamic...
previously discussed here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=46743214
also here:
https://www.linkedin.com/posts/ismaildhorat_a-new-world-does...
"It was cold out, but none of us were cold."
"In that moment, there was nothing to do. Nothing to improve. Nothing to fix. It was perfect."
"We’ve all seen it. Clear as day, you can see the goal post at the top: self-actualization. LFG! It’s time to journal and 80/20 myself! Pass me a shaman and some modafinil. That’s the mission. That’s the point. Right? But hold on."
"Because at the end of the day—and at the end of a Montana night—the point was never yourself. It was never the pyramid. It was never the optimization. It was the people around the fire."
Self-help has never helped anyone. If it did, there wouldn’t be a massive industry waiting to prey on the people who are desperate for help.
People seem to lose all their common sense as soon as somebody trots out easy-sounding-without-effort-for-the-price-of-a-book soothing advice to solve all their problems.
Meanwhile the real "self-help" exists in plain sight in the domains of Philosophy and Psychology coupled with an understanding of Neuroscience/Biology.
People should checkout Hindu Philosophies of Samkhya and Yoga, Buddhist Philosophies of Japanese Zen and Tibetan Lojong, Greek/Roman Stoic Philosophies of Epictetus, Seneca, Cicero, Marcus Aurelius.
On the Psychology side checkout Self-Determination Theory, Applied Behavioural Analysis and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
On the Neuroscience/Biology front checkout the importance of circadian rhythms/diet/exercise/sleep along with needed essential minerals/vitamins/etc.
That will give you all the information you need to devise your own workable self-help regimen.